Heaven forbid I join in on a conversation with some women who are chatting about their "horror stories" of childbirth.
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"You don't know how lucky you are to just adopt."
"You are lucky, you didn't have to go through 58 hours of labor."
"You can't comment. You never gave birth."
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Hmmmm, really?!? REALLY?!
You're right I have never given birth.
Does that make me "lucky"?
Ummmm, NO!
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You're right I have never gone through endless hours of labor.
Does luck come into play again?
UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, NO.
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I have never tried to insinuate that I even remotely KNOW how you women felt while giving birth. I have never tried to minimize the pain you all are bragging about in front of me.
That right, I said BRAGGING.
To you it is just war stories of the path of pain you endured to hold your very own never gonna be contested baby. To me, it a big ole brag fest about your road to holding your very own never gonna be contested babies.
To say to a woman who has gone down the adoption labor trail that she has never known the pain is a total lie.
To say to a woman who has endured not just hours of labor but MONTHS and YEARS of adoption labor pains that she is somehow "lucky" is cruel.
Every single one of the infertile would give anything to feel the 58 hours of back breaking pain you got the blessing to endure. Every single one of the infertile would LOVE to have had the blessing of knowing that at the moment our baby was placed in our arms that he/she were 100% ours for forever. No prospects of contesting family members, no prospects of legal red tape, no prospects of court proceedings and caseworkers. To just hold on to this newly sent bundle from heaven and walk out of the hospital knowing that this precious baby IS YOURS.
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I will never know such peace.
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I got to experience the awesome love of holding my baby for the first time. I got to stare at his little brown face and shed tears of love and joy. But only a few moments, hours and days later the reality train comes crashing through our front door and we are off to take him to see caseworkers, bio-family members and judges that will ultimately decide if he is going to get to stay with us for forever. We then go through years of the most horrible roller-coaster ride ever. One month, "we're almost there... he's yours."
The next month, "We may have found a bio-family member to consider for placement." Followed by more months of , "We have decided to order 'services' for bio-mom again. Her weekly visits start again on Tuesday."
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I have been truly blessed by adoption.
I didn't choose adoption as a way to create our family.
We were chosen for adoption.
I was designed to endure the adoption process...
I was not designed to give birth.
.
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So during the next birth story pow-wow... if an adoptive mother chimes in with a relevant comment or two... let her CHIME.
She has endured much... she is a mother.
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((This post is not meant to make birthing mothers exclude anyone. Brag on sister-girls. You experienced a lot to get those little people here. Just be sure to let EVERYONE have a place in the conversation... ))
2 comments:
Well put Stephanie! I don’t know if any of these mothers have ever stopped to realize just how much an adoptive mother gives of herself. You always hear people say I would fight heaven and hell for my kids, but the only ones who really have to do this are adoptive parents. Perhaps maybe even more than most bio parents would even dream of having to fight for their children. A child born to you is placed in your arms, and forever will love you, and call you mom. An adoptive child has to warm up to you, and eventually feel secure enough to call you mom. An adoptive mother has to go through countless hours of training, counseling, and legal battles as part of becoming a mom. Consider how much LABOR is involved in all that. Your body wasn’t designed to give birth, but it was designed to be a great mother to your beautiful children who look up to you, love you, and think of you as their world. It may not seem like a lot to you, when you compare to giving birth, but the reality is, it’s HUGE! You have forever changed the lives of your children, given them a life they couldn’t have had without you. I find that amazing!
Steph, that sucks. Some people are sooooooo insensitive and say the DUMBEST things. I'm sorry. Man, adoption. I knew it was a process, but after reading your blog- I realize I only have a glimpse of the pains and rollercoaster it can be.
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