Step 60: Infertility Awareness Week

I've been blog stalking some sites that are women who are struggling with infertility. As I was reading a blog by "S" I started hyperventilating. "S" is grieving from the loss of being unchosen to adopt a baby that they were told in December they would be getting. My heart grieves with her. She is dealing with infertility and then this. Going back to my hyperventilating. I sat their reading a story of a woman whose body refuses to stay pregnant. I was reading a story of a woman who is aching to be a mother. She has pursued adoption through LDS family services and even tried to adopt through a state program. I read as she described her heartache and her losses... I was identifying so much that I was freaking out.
I have PCOS. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome ~ the syndrome part is misleading. It is a disease. It is a disease that makes me infertile. My ovaries don't ovulate. My ovaries eventually do ovulate and send down dead or useless eggs. I was NEVER going to be able to have a baby. I spent years hoping and praying and wishing that this would be the ONE time that I could get pregnant and stay pregnant. I spent years buying endless pregnancy tests and taking them over and over hoping that there would be a + sign or the word "pregnant" (those were EXPENSIVE tests for the numbers I was buying). I bought so many bottles of prenatal vitamins cuz I was so sure that I would get pregnant and if I were prepared and already prepping my body then some miracle would happen. I looked at my mother and sisters who had NO problems getting pregnant. I just KNEW that my miracle would happen ONE DAY.
Then I woke up one day and said, "It's never going to happen." I am not meant to give birth to babies. I took control. I ended all the wishing and testing and dreaming... I asked for a hysterectomy. I didn't ask for the hysterectomy to end the chances of having children. I suffered from excessive bleeding from the time I was 14 years old. Bleeding that would go on for MONTHS. I was done. I didn't want to battle that any longer especially if my uterus was never gonna do what it was designed to do. My body was not created to have children.
I married a man who was VERY fertile when he and his first wife had their son. He had no fertility issues until he married me. He then had some crazy wacko stuff happen and through testing found out that he too was infertile. Strike two. I don't work right... he doesn't work right...
Our journey has been rough. We wanted children right away and had we not found out about our issues early we would probably still be holding onto hope and trying like crazy to MAKE a miracle happen for us.
We got our miracle... we did endless amounts of paperwork, interviews, took classes and were finally signed up to be foster parents. Our first placement was our son, Tank. He was placed in my arms and at that moment I KNEW he was ours for forever. He was six months old and a brown bundle of joy. We went through 2 1/2 years of legal ups and downs until he was finally sealed to us. But, I just held on to the memory of his being put in my arms. I was made to be his mommy. He had a horrible start to his little life but he found us... we found each other.
Our daughter, Fan-C, came just three months after the Tank. She was two years old and her short life was a horror novel. We went out to meet her and when we went to leave she crawled up into Lance's lap and gave him a HUGE hug and kiss and said that she was gonna miss us. We drove away and I was in tears. I looked at Lance and said, "She's our daughter." Her adoption was sent from heaven. Only took 14 months and she was sealed to us before the Tank. I think that was perfect... she is older and was then able to witness her sibling's sealing to us later on. Heavenly Father has a plan... we just have to let Him take control.
Now, before the Tank was even finalized we learned about Tiny-T. We had just had a newborn placed with us and then taken a week later to go live with her forever family. We currently had another newborn that we were trying to adopt. Her case was a nightmare due to a caseworker from hell. I had three tiny ones and then we find out that the Tank's birthmother had another baby. We were asked to take her as well to keep the siblings together. I really struggled. I wanted to take her and keep her safe... BUT I didn't want to be a "one stop shopping" for their birth father to find us. He is scary and was actively trying to "get his kids". Not the legal way ~ the come-and-kidnap-them-during-the-night way. Yeah, scary stuff. In the end we did take Tiny-T. She was meant to be with us too. She was sealed to us after a LONG battle as well. Her case was hard. We were dealing with the roller-coaster that is the adoption legal process and then we lost our nine-month old baby that we had had her whole life. She was given to a third-cousin of her birthmother to be adopted by. So we were grieving her loss and trying to incorporate this new little miss into our family. But we all made it. We all found our way to each other in this life. Adoption is our miracle.
I feel so blessed to be the zoo crew's mother. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father provided a way for our sweet children to find their forever home.
Adoption is a miracle...