(Started in February 2013 ~ just too chicken to post...)
Infertility SUCKS!
December 28th marked three years of FREEDOM! Freedom from having to deal with 9 month bleeding sessions. Freedom from having to bring towels when I went places so that I didn't "leak" on their chairs and couches. Freedom from spending so much money on tampons that were basically useless. I celebrate this freedom. I am soooooo happy I don't have to deal with all that crud any longer.
A week ago today my husband and I requested copies of our Patriarchal Blessings. During the three year move-fests they have been either lost, thrown out or are still packed away. We received them in the mail yesterday. So this morning I read mine. Well reread mine. OH.MY.WORD, I was so unprepared for the anger that would start surging through me. I got to a part that talks about how blessed and 'great' my childbearing would be and BOOM! I exploded.
December 28th, Freedom Day, was prayed about. I prayed about my decision to have a hysterectomy. Although it was medically necessary to 'save my life', I still prayed about whether I needed to 'tough it out' for a bit longer. Everything fell into place for this surgery to take place. I felt at peace. Lance and I had done testing and meds and other avenues to create a baby between the two of us and it just wasn't going to happen. PCOS was plaguing me and Lance had problems/issues with his swimmers as well. We were not going to do much creating together. So when I read the line about 'childbearing' ~ I lost it.
I made a stupid choice when I was almost 27 years old. I was a returned missionary and serving as a Relief Society president in my ward. My choice stopped my life as I knew it. I was no long the Relief Society president, I couldn't even pray in public ~ so all callings or opportunities for service were gone. I spiraled into depression big time. My faith and my place in it were a huge part of my life and they were all gone. I worked, prayed, fasted, repented and gained back my "life" about a year later. I was able to attend the temple again and could teach, visit teach, pray (in public), partake of the sacrament again... it was amazing. I went from the lowest of lows back to the top.
Lance and I began dating about six months later and five months after that, we were sealed in the Portland Temple as husband and wife for eternity. I was on cloud 9.
Then we started down the flippin road of infertility.
Why does my blessing say that "childbearing will be a great experience"? For who? For the biological mothers who have given birth to all of my kids and then made poor choices in their lives and lost their children. Should I have held out longer ~ I have some friends who finally got pregnant after a dozen years of marriage (and more)? Or, did I LOSE that promise when I made my stupid choice?
Isn't repentance complete? I've seen other's poor choices and once repentance was done ~ tons of pure blessings flowed their way... Did my choice VOID out my Patriarchal Blessing?
(ADDED TODAY April 21, 2013)
I'm LDS. I am in the Young Women Presidency ~ counselor over the Beehives. We had a lesson on the priesthood today and one of the young ladies asked why she can't have the priesthood. The adviser (teacher) gave an amazing answer. Heavenly Father is very fair and didn't give all the 'power' to one sex over the other. To men, the power of the priesthood & to women, the power of procreation. So I fought back tears and calmed myself down... instantly I start hearing, I'm not worthy of ANY power. I don't get to have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father and help bring a life into this world... EVER! I started telling myself, you are NOT worthy to have that blessing, opportunity and experience. Then I opened this blog account and found this post that I had written months ago and how ironic... it's about infertility. I think that infertility is / has been MY biggest trial in this life. It is ugly. It is cruel. It is heartbreaking. I'm barren. I was barren before my uterus was surgically removed.
Will there ever be PEACE?!? Today, I'm bruised. Today, I'm broken. Today, I'm weeping... I just want PEACE. Simple, life sustaining ~ peace.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Oh, Stephanie. I am so sorry that you are going through such a trial. I know we all go through different trials, and I cannot begin to imagine what you feel. Just know that you are loved.
Oh wow. Stephanie. So many thoughts and I wish I could just give you a HUG. I'm so sorry for all your thoughts and feelings. I clearly haven't the slightest idea of what you're feeling. I can imagine it would be horrible. However . . . might I share some of my thoughts as I was reading this??? First of all, the blessing. It's always been my understanding that our patriarchal blessings are eternal, as in not just in this life. So some of your blessings talked about might be later. And you probably WILL bear children after this life and how INCREDIBLE it will be for you! I might be wrong, but that's what I was thinking.
My other thought . . . being a mother of two. I am glad I could bear them and grow them in my belly, but honestly- that's not what makes me feel connected to them at all! Even breast feeding! I couldn't nurse Scarlet, she never gained. I've been able to nurse Brighton. But I felt so much more connected feeding scarlet because I snuggled her to death with every bottle. Brighton on the other hand does the river dance and smacks my face the entire feed. He's crazy. I don't feel connected to him at all. I couldn't WAIT to nurse Brighton and thought it would be amazing, and I'd feel so close to him and it honestly hasn't been that way at all. I'm glad I can nurse for health reasons and convenience but that's about it. It's everything else- the playing, the teaching, the talking- everything great that comes with kids! That's honestly what it's about.
I'm sorry and I hope I didn't just say the wrong thing. If I did, just chalk it up to me being an idiot. Either way, I hope you find lasting peace soon. I LOVE YOU!!!!
Post a Comment