I have HUGE news.....
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we are NOT PREGNANT!!!!
We are just so excited to tell everyone.
We are just so excited to tell everyone.
(yes, that is sarcasm dripping off the screen)
I know, I'm going to hell. Whatever. I'm sick of opening up people's blogs and reading how the whole world is pregnant right now. Props to all the peeps out there who have the ability to GET pregnant. Kudos to you on your journey of creating your family.
I know, I'm going to hell. Whatever. I'm sick of opening up people's blogs and reading how the whole world is pregnant right now. Props to all the peeps out there who have the ability to GET pregnant. Kudos to you on your journey of creating your family.
We can not and will never be able to post such an entry.
Now I'm scheduled to have a consultation to get the whole kit and caboodle removed. I'm dealing with 60+ day periods. Yep, you read it correctly. They are not simple spotting a few days of flow and then end with some more spotting. I'm talking my freakin' insides are fallin' out full tilt for over two months at a time. I should OWN Tampax. I go through four (at least) of the HUGE super plus tampon boxes EVERY WEEK!
I am literally tied to a toilet 24/7. Today is my every 15 minutes day ~ where I have to find a bathroom every 15 minutes cuz my insides are going EVERYWHERE!
But, enough of the GROSS stuff. Scheduling the appointment and then reading two more preggers announcements just hit me wrong. I always wanted a HUGE family. I grew up knowing that I would marry and then start having babies. My mother and sisters are VERY fertile and so I never thought I would have issues. But I do. I hate it. I feel blessed to have become a mother through adoption (three times, so far). But, it doesn't take away the sting of knowing that the dream of holding a little bundle with Lance's brown eyes and my obsessive need to organize everything ~ will never be.
Infertility is an ugly beast. I hate it. I hate that it has reared it's ugly head into some of my friend's lives as well. I hate that I go to the doctor's office and they are obsessed with wanting to discuss birth control. Hello? Do you all actually READ your files. I hate that I then have to say, I'm barren! I hate that ignorant people have told me that if I were "righteous" enough that I could expect a miracle from our Heavenly Father and get pregnant. I tell them, I have had that miracle happen in my life. Three times. Not through pregnancy, through adoption.
I feel cheated.
Never felt the excitement of hearing a baby's heartbeat, seeing the first ultrasound, making a creative announcement to our families, baby showers, creating a nursery, being tended to while in a "condition", tiny outfits and a baby blessing gown.
Having meals brought in after the new arrival, having family visit to meet the new addition, staring into a little face that is a part of you and your husband,
having a baby born in the covenant.
Infertility has stolen all of these moments and experiences from me.
Sometimes being a girl, sucks!
5 comments:
I so get it. The platitude I always get is, "Just wait...I know so many people who adopt and then get pregnant!" I always wanna say, "Well, lady, if you had seen my crusted over ovaries like I have seen them, you wouldn't say that." I hate that! And the people who talk about having enough faith--they're just total idiots.
I had one girl once, in my home, newly pregnant, go on and on about how great it was. Then she looked at me, knowing full well my situation, and asked, "Isn't there any way you can get pregnant? Don't you want that?" I was stunned. Stunned! Like I'm just choosing not to. But then I realized that she had major issues of her own, and I wouldn't trade my life with hers any day.
Ugh...hang in there Steph. Love ya. Thanks for your honest blog. It's like therapy!
Oh Sweetie! Of all the burdens we are given this one has to be one of the hardest! (and you know I don't speak from experience, but my heart is with you!)
But you are a blessing to those sweet babies who have found their way to your home. They have been given a chance of a loving family who are raising them in the Church and with high values. WIthout you this may not have happened.
As to the gush you are experiencing ... I CAN relate to that big time! Your life will be so much better once that is under control. You will get to HAVE a life again!
You are in my thoughts all the time kiddo!
Love you bunches, Auntie T
I should also add ... who are these perfect people who are telling you IF YOU WERE A BETTER PERSON, HAD MORE FAITH things would work out???
I hope you don't take them seriously. You could be mean and say that IF they had more faith maybe they'd get a brain! But you are nicer than I am.
Stephanie,
I too know the sting that comes form this. It took us three years, and three losses to finally get Devin. I heard everything form what you described here, to much worse. Someone even went so far as to tell us if we just stopped crying over losing, and got pregnant again, we would be fine. I cannot believe the nerve of some people! (I hope I am not being one of those people with this post, I am sorry if I am)
You are a strong brave woman. You have opened your heart and allowed three beautiful children to call you mommy. You have given them a wonderful home and are teaching them values, and love. I pray that you find the courage you need right now.
As for your “girlie issues” I cannot imagine 60 days. I go nuts after just a week of mine. I am begging it to end by day two. I hope you get relief from all this and can start living again. Being tied to kotex is not fun!!!
(and I completley agree with Aunt T, I would have told it like it was!)
It seems you have so many things to deal with lately! You are a wonderful woman. I am so glad I have gotten to know you.
The people who say you need to be more faithful to have a miracle are just clueless!
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