Step 120: Holy Smokes!

November is National Adoption Month. I have been 'honoring' it on the mommaduck blog by posting adoption thoughts every day. I am happy that I have chosen to do so... not enough positive stuff out there about the blessings of adoption. But along with all this happy stuff ~ some major crud has been pouring out of me... not online... verbally, to my poor husband. Infertility sucks! December 28, 2009 I had a hysterectomy done ~ medically necessary. There is absolutely NO PHYSICAL way that I can ever have a baby. But in reality... this statement was still true even when I had my uterus. I was never going to carry a baby or give birth. Having the uterus somehow made me believe that by some miracle I would conceive and carry a wee one SOMEDAY...

I have several friends who are 'announcing' on FB their fabulous news and it IS fabulous. I am so happy for them and their growing families. I would NEVER wish infertility on even my worst enemy. The announcements trigger my inner demons... I start wondering about what it was that I did in this life or the pre-earth life that was so horrible that I lost the honor of feeling a baby in my womb, carrying a baby to term and then giving birth. Holding a wee one in my arms that was me and my husband's... no fighting to 'keep' a baby and months and months of court cases and money and tears to see IF you are granted by a judge to become the wee one's parents. I start mulling over all the foster kids out there who can't be with their parents due to choices they made... I then get angry. "THEY" can get pregnant and give birth ~ A LOT! "THEY" get the blessing of experiencing all those things that I can never have. Well, never in "this life".

I understand the plan. I know that no blessings will be denied those who are worthy of them. I understand that Lance and I will get the opportunity to have children together later, if we are worthy of the blessing. This knowledge doesn't calm the inner demons now. This knowledge doesn't come into play at the moment I am crying and feeling 'forgotten'.

All this crud from me trying to honor adoption and spread the word of the blessings it has brought our family and can bring yours.

Holy Smokes!

Thanks for reading the rantings of an infertile woman. Carry on...